Bullmastiffs, Cow Brains and Pickle Ornaments
Exploring a sampling of holiday gift wish lists from the staff at Blue Water + MissionSide.
In a year which can best be described as a gift that keeps on taking, Blue Water + MissionSide (BW+M) took the decision to look inwardly to its staff for a temperature check to see how we are all doing, and in particular, what each of us would like to put on our gift lists moving forward into a new year that will hopefully promise less social distancing, and a whole lot more social togetherness. All zoomed out, and suffering mask-fatigue, the author still found some willing participants.
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Starting with BW+M’s Director of Account Management, Rebecca Rodrigues, her ideal holiday gift seems to revolve around idealism itself. With eyes tightly closed, she dreams of a more compassionate world, or alternatively, a carefree beach vacation (granted, the latter is a tad less idealistic and requires sun cream). But the one thing that Rebecca is not hoping for are tickets to a NYE bash for her and 500 of her closest friends, assuming of course that she has 500 friends. But, the best holiday gift Rebecca could ever ask for is a house overflowing with family, Christmas music, yummy food, and hand sanitizer.
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Todd Coen, BW+M’s Managing Director, goes straight to pair of vaccine shots for his holiday wish list, which makes a change from last year, when he asked for a pair of Tequila shots. Old Spice cologne takes a knock as the one thing Todd does not want for the holidays (we hope his wife reads this blog post in time). We will only know for sure when Todd comes into the office next year. Of course, we hope that the worst gift Todd had ever received – a bottle opener resembling the rear end of a deer – was not a gift from his wife, although it sure beats the Old Spice. For tradition, Todd and family usually do a white elephant gift exchange where they try to out-quirk each other with gifts one would actually want to keep, which begs the question: Todd, why do you still have that deer butt bottle opener?
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For Front End Developer, Richmond Page, getting out of the house is hands down the greatest gift he could wish for this holiday. But home or away, it is best not to gift Richmond socks. He has, in his own words, ‘all the socks I can handle right now.’ Of course, by socks he does not mean a stocking. Stockings he will accept, but not stockings stuffed with socks. And in answer to the worst gift Richmond has ever received, his memory fails him, which goes back to the first question perhaps, that of what is the one gift that will make him happy this year. His memory, perhaps. Richmond’s holiday gift tradition involves a pickle ornament which his stepmom hides on the Xmas tree and the first person to find it gets a special gift. Hopefully, not socks.
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Griff Tatarsky, on the other hand, and less idealistic than Rebecca, is happy to settle for an air fryer. But whatever happens, despite being a coffee aficionado, he would not like to receive another coffee cup – patterned or otherwise – as he has too many already, enough to treat Rebecca’s five hundred friends to a cup of joe. Cups aside, the one gift that still haunts Griff is a creepy beach Santa he once received as an ornament. It lies hidden in his parents’ basement somewhere, awaiting his return. Needless to say, he hasn’t been home in a while. His favorite gift ever? A giant Lego of Jabba the Hutt’s sail barge. Complete with Jabba. We have no words. Literally. Traditionally, Griff and family do last-minute stockings, walking the street and finding small and cool things. Hope you are wearing a mask, Griff, this is not a year for small and cool things.
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Director of Development Operations, Anthony Mangini’s only request is any gift that will help him forget 2020. Anything? Might we suggest a hammer. As for the other thing on his wish list this year, Anthony notes that he has depleted his collection of Scotch. So more than a blog post, readers may see this as an outright solicitation. But, whatever happens, he does not want another mask. Unless of course, it is a mask made of Scotch, and especially not if it resembles a plastic Chewbacca beer stein that somehow he was once given and which has never left his memory (again, that hammer might come in handy!). As for the best holiday gift he has ever received, Anthony would only like to be surprised. Anthony, we hope this blog post surprises you.
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Lead Recruiter Carrie Rico just wants to wake up from – in her own words – ‘this 2020 nightmare.’ Like the rest of the respondents, COVID-19 is the first thing on her mind, and the last thing on her gift list. In the past, one of the most memorably weird gifts she has ever received was a candle carousel. Even we do not know what that might be, or what function that might have served. However, the best gift Carrie has ever received was finding out that her sister was going to have a baby. And traditionally, like several of the BW+M colleagues, Carrie will track Santa on NORAD before bed with, hopefully, Todd’s vaccines under his belt.
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Del Sasser, like Rebecca, is wishing for a real vacation to ‘just about anywhere’. We assume Del does not actually mean anywhere. Like Siberia. She also does not want COVID-19 or a cold for that matter, which hopefully takes Siberia out of the mix. The weirdest gift Del ever received was a wire clothes hanger. As for traditions, Del loves to take her kids out to dinner on Christmas Eve, especially now that the oldest have moved out on their own. Which begs that question, which kid was regifted the coat hanger?
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Of course, for Jessica Jarmin, Vice President of Operations, a vaccine is the desired holiday gift this year. But like Todd, Jessica will have to get in line. The one thing Jess does not want to receive this holiday is more time separated from family and friends. Too bad about the vaccine line, Jess. The weirdest gift that Jessica ever received was in the 5th grade when the family butcher gifted young Jessica with a frozen cow brain after a lot of begging to take one to school for show-and-tell. Things at Northrop Elementary School have never been the same. Luckily, she later received a Nintendo complete with Mighty Bomb Jack to help take the 5th grade obsession with cow brains off her mind. These days Jessica relies more on traditional Scandinavian foods like Lutefisk (dried whitefish) and Lefse (a humble sort of flatbread made from leftover mashed potatoes) to take her mind off things during the holidays.
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For Tiffany Scourby, Vice President of Client Services, the one gift that will make her happy this year is to go a full day without having to stare at a computer. Avert your eyes, Tiffany, that normally works! The weirdest gift Tiffany has ever received for the holidays was a 150 lb bullmastiff. Turns out, the 150 lb bullmastiff, named Romo was also the best holiday gift she has ever received. We hope he feels the same way. As for holiday gift traditions, Tiffany’s special holiday gift tradition is a white elephant exchange. Seems at 150 lbs, it is no longer the white elephant in the room, but the bullmastiff.
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Less a wish, and more like wishful thinking, Art Director Jacob Corbin has asked for a white Christmas. Jake lives in San Diego. Jake is also delusional. As for the one gift that he does not want to receive this holiday is any further election news (again, wishful thinking!). Jake’s first Nintendo game system was a gift that he feels will never be topped, although the thought of no further election news might be a close second (you can’t play it, but it sure will play you!) The weirdest gift Jake has ever received was a ceramic moose, decorated with holiday light and bows, yet another animal for the veritable menagerie that this blog post has become, alongside cow brains, bullmastiffs, white elephants, and deer butt bottle openers.
Photo by Dana Tentis from Pexels